Homer Says....
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achille's heel, if you will.

Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

Awww, 20 dollars?!? I wanted a peanut.

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Black, marbelized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler. The pins don't know what hit 'em.
Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You

Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

Do I know what rhetorical means?

Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.? The kids can call you Hoju!

Does whisky count as beer?

D'oh!

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.

Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

God bless those pagans.

Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!

Ha ha! Look at this country! ?You are gay!? Ha ha!

Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!

Here's to alcohol: The source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

Hey, I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here!

I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t... I mean s-m-A-r-t.

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say, 'Yes!'

I guess you might say he barking up the wrong...bush.

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.

I know you can read my thoughts, boy: Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.

I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals flaming.

I promised my boy one simple thing: lots of riches, and that man broke my promise!

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That couldn't Slow Down.'

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold, and eaten.

I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnidght.

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.

If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!

If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now.

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it --Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!

I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.

I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.

In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women!

It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!

It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An April fool, as it were.

It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Lisa, stop that racket! I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy. I think I'll need a bigger drill. --Homer Simpson Lisa, the mob's working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas...World domination.

Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.

Lurlee your song touched me in so many ways... and which way to the can?

Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

Marge, would you please tell Bart that I would just like to drink a glass of syrup like I do every morning?

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman --and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?

Mmmm, 52 slices of American cheese.

Mmmm, forbidden donut.

Mmmm, free goo.

Mmmm, Gummy-beer.

Mmmm, purple.

Mmmm, sacrilicious.

Mmmm...fuzzy.

Mmmm...open faced club sand wedge.

Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.

No jokes, no taunting--That kid's got bosoms! Somebody get me a wet towel! C'mere you butterball.

No! No-no-no-no-no-no! Well, yes.

No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.

Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!

Oh look at me!!! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from happy land, with a gumdrop house on lollipop lane! Oh by the way...I was being sarcastic.

Trying is the first step towards failure.
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Read your town charter, boy. ?If food stuff should touch the ground, said food stuff shall be turned over to the village idiot.? Since I don't see him around, start shoveling!

Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.

Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee, including a few doozies no one every found out about.

Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. D'oh!

Solid waste! I could kiss you! Bleh! Ew! Yeech! Ooh! I think this was pizza!

Son, being popular is the most important thing in the whole world.

Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.

Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!

The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes.

The strong must protect the sweet.

There's a New Mexico?

They have the Internet on computers, now?

This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit.

This is absolutely the last funeral we ever take you kids to.

This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke: It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!

Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the...things? Uh... the things?

Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

Wait a minute. I'm a guy like me!

We monorail conductors are a crazy breed!

Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back...unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog.

Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!
Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over? Remember that, honey? Well, what I'm saying is all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr.X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't "Homer J. Simpsons"

Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like catsup- it tastes like catsup. But brother, it ain't catsup!

We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays.

We're laughing with her, Marge. There's a big difference. Ha ha ha! ...with her.

What are you gonna do? Sick your dogs on me? Or your bees? Or dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at me?

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

What the hey, I'll take the job.

What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie --Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces. Just know they're about to jab me with something.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! Oh, I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.

Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on EVERY CAR!

You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!