Lisa Says
Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, then sold off piece by piece.

I don't understand how one convicted felon could could so many votes and another convicted felon get so few.

We're both utterly humourless about our vegetarianism

Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity aaaaahhh!

I feel like a loser, with nothing left to lose

Prayer is the last refuge of the scoundrel.

Bumming out teenagers is like shooting fish in a barrel

Baby, I'll do your hair. It could look pretty if...No. Prettier your way.

(Bart and Lisa watch The Happy Little Elves movie)
Bart: Oh, man, I can't take it any more!
Lisa: But I want to see what happens.
Bart: You know what happens. They find Captain Quick's treasure. All the elves dance around like little green idiots. I puke. The End.
Lisa: Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.

I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

Norman Mailer's kissed more boys than I ever will

I'm having school withdrawals! Grade me, tell me I'm so, so smart...

Lisa: Bart, I'm here for you, but I'm not going to break into somebody's house.
Bart: All right, you're right, you're right, let's, let's just forget about that. Here, let me read to you from my play. Ahem. (cockney accent) 'Kippers for breakfast, Aunt Helga? Is it St. Swithin's Day already?' 'Tis,' replied Aunt Helga -
Lisa: I'm going, I'm going!

It is better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt

How am I supposed to hallucinate with all these swirling colors distracting me?

Lisa: You, sir ... are a baboon!
Homer: Me?
Lisa: Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon!
Homer: I don't think you realize what you're saying.
Lisa: BABOON!
Bart: Whoa. Somebody was bound to say it someday, I just can't believe it was her.

Mr Bergstrom's gift to Lisa: You are Lisa Simpson.

Lisa: Excuse me, don't you have anything that doesn't have meat in it?
Lunch Lady Doris: Possibly the meatloaf.
Lisa: I think you're required to offer a vegetarian alternative.
Lunch Lady Doris (giving Lisa a plain bun):Yum. It's full of bunly goodness.
Lisa: Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work?

They call it physical education, but it feels like gym to me.

I got a bratty brother
He bugs me every day
And this morning my mother
Gave my last cupcake away
My dad acts like he belongs in
He belongs in a zoo
I'm the saddest kid
In grade number two...

Lisa: Where's Mr Bergstrom?
Miss Hoover: I'd like to know too. He didn't touch my lesson plans. What did he teach you?!
Lisa: That life is worth living...!

I am the Lizard Queen!!

I feel like I've been wearing this same red dress forever!

Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.

Music teacher: Congratulations, Lisa.
Lisa: You mean I won first chair?
Music teacher: No, you regained consciousness. Alison got first chair.
Lisa: AHHHHH!!! Oh, it's a dream! (passes out)
Music teacher: Congratulations, Lisa.
Lisa: You mean I won first chair?
Music teacher: No, you regained consciousness. Alison got first chair. This is not a dream!
Lisa: AHHHHH!!!!!

Like, you know, whatever!

Marge: Ooh, Lisa, is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!

Lisa: This is great. They're really going to sell our doll!
Stacy: Well, it wasn't difficult. I just told them who I was, and who you were, and they couldn't resist.
Lisa: Really?
Stacy: Well, I didn't tell them who you were.

Lisa: You know, if we get through to just that one little girl, it'll all be worth it.
Stacy: Yes, particularly if that little girl happens to pay ,000 for that doll.

Bart: Go, Dad, go!
Lisa: How doth the hero strong and brave,
A celestial path in the heavens pave.
Everyone else: Huh?
Lisa, downheartedly: Uh, go, Dad, go.

Lisa: Why am I still rotting away in the second grade instead of being skipped ahead?
Marge: I dunno honey, I guess that's the school's decision to make.
Lisa: Well, did you ever talk to anyone at the school? Make a few calls on my behalf? Maybe you could have been nicer to Principal Skinner, if you know what I mean!
Marge: Lisa! ...I am nice.

There's another girl at school who's smarter, younger, and a better sax player than me. Ew, I feel so average.

Bart: So down there in, say, Argentina, or... Rand McNally, all their water runs backwards?
Lisa: Uh huh. In fact, in Rand McNally, they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.
Bart: Cool!

Hugh: Lisa, darling, don't worry. I'm sure I'll get along with your family. You've so thoroughly prepared me for the worst. As long as they're not squatting in a ditch poking berries up their noses...
Lisa: And if they are?

Marge: Lisa, I can't believe it's your wedding day already.
Lisa: Mom, I feel kind of funny wearing white. I mean... Milhouse.
Marge: Oh, Milhouse doesn't count. (they both laugh)

Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
Lisa: Oh, Dad -
Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment and you did it all yourself. You helped me understand my own wife better and taught me to be a better person, but you're also my daughter, and I don't think anybody could have had a better daughter than you -
Lisa: Dad, you're babbling.

Bart: Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa: And vice-versa.

Lisa: *to Bart on the phone* You could travel for free if you were a stuardess... well, how badly DO you want to get home? Alright, alright, how about a courier? They travel for free, too...no, that's a terrier. They're dogs.

Lisa: There monsters on that ship, and truly we were them.
Marge: Lisa, see what we mean when we say you're too smart for your own good?

Apu: Ohh, I fell asleep! I have forgotten everything that Mr. Homer taught me!
Lisa: Perfect. Let's roll.

Lisa on Nelson: He's not like anybody I've ever met. He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest.

If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.

Lisa: Maybe I can't concentrate with all your cooties
Milhouse: It's called lice, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Homer: Oh no her clothes are coming off! Hehe, hey, y'know who would love this? Men!

Lisa plays her Sax poorly, Homer enjoys it and starts singing along to it.

Lisa: Dear log, can it be true, do all Simpsons go through a process of dumbening? Wait, thats not how you spell dumbening. Wait, dumbening isn't even a word....hmm, I've got to find out more!

Guy: I'm sorry little girl, we just dont put people on TV, unless of course you're replying to an editorial...
Lisa: Uuh..I am! I'm strongly opposed to..proposition ah 3..0....5
Guy: You're against discount bus fares for war widows?
Lisa: Uh..you bet I am!